Ask Alice — Advice for All

Family Estrangement
 
Dear Alice,
I am struggling to understand my sister’s behavior. She had been a loving, involved family member, but since she married and moved away a few years ago, she has become angry at our family and will not see us. Her husband is a very negative person who has no relationship with his own family. From the very beginning of their relationship, he never wanted anything to do with our family. I don’t understand this change in my sister. When I call her and try to talk about it, she becomes enraged and blames me for things she claims that our parents and I did to her. My parents are deeply hurt by this, and none of us understands what has happened.
We don’t know what to do to change this bad situation and fear that we will fully lose contact with her if we don’t do something soon. Can you help?
— Deeply Distressed
 
Dear Deeply Distressed,
It sounds like your sister has been negatively influenced by her husband. This is not unexpected in that he has no contact with his own family. He may want to have complete control over your sister, which is a form of emotional abuse. Since your telephone contacts with her have not been useful, you may need to ask to meet with her to address your feelings. If she agrees, I would tell her that you miss her and that you want to find a way to get your relationship back to where it had been. I would not recommend that you accuse her husband since she is likely to get defensive. Certainly ask her if there is something you can do to help the situation.
You said that she blames you and your parents for things that you all did to her. Ask her to talk about those things in order for you to understand them better. You may need to be very humble and ask for her forgiveness. Even if you believe that she is behaving irrationally, try to listen to her with caring and openness. I believe that she is in pain as a result of her husband’s emotional abuse which has led to the “cut-off” from you and your parents.
If she agrees to a meeting, consider this encouraging. If she refuses, then write to her, telling her what you would have said if the two of you had met. Even if neither of these approaches works, she will know that you haven’t forgotten her. Continue to reach out to her until she responds to you. You and your parents may need to talk with a therapist if this does not get resolved in order to deal with the grief of having a loved one withdraw from a relationship.
In my opinion, she has not forgotten your love for her. Your attempts to reach her may give her hope that she still has a family in spite of the hostility she has expressed. She may one day get the strength to speak up to her husband and reconnect with you all. In the meantime, you and your parents should not give up. Good luck.
— Alice

When Politics Divide
 
Dear Alice,
 I am distressed by the way my brother behaved at a recent family dinner that my wife and I hosted. My wife went to great effort to prepare a lovely meal. Early in the meal I observed my brother and his wife whispering to one another. A little later, my wife innocently mentioned a movie she had seen that portrayed an upsetting and sad situation in the world. Her comments seemed to irritate my brother. He then became critical of her politics and accused her of not being understanding of the terrible suffering in the world. He rolled his eyes when she spoke and was quite hostile and rude.
I should explain that my brother and I have very different political views. Because of his profound disagreement and intolerance of my and my wife’s views, we are careful to avoid any discussions with him that will raise those differences and lead to a confrontation.
I tried to bring the conversation back to a more general topic, but he got increasingly indignant and as a result we had to end the evening prematurely. He made an additional angry comment as we all left the table, implying that we are naïve and don’t understand what is going on in the world.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I want a relationship with my brother, but I don’t want him to mistreat my wife and ruin every family occasion with his strong political opinions and ravings. Any ideas?
— Insulted
 
Dear Insulted,
Your brother behaved in an uncivil manner at your home and dinner table. I believe that every adult has an obligation to be polite and gracious when fortunate enough to be invited to a friend or relative’s home. This also applies to social events outside of the home.
Our present political climate seems to have a powerful polarizing effect on some people who feel that this is open season on those whose opinions differs from theirs. Clearly, one’s political views can have a strong moral meaning, and this can lead to an intolerance for those whose ideas differ. No doubt this will continue to happen, perhaps with greater intensity and frequency as we get closer to the November election.
I encourage you to speak with your brother about this situation. Tell him first how much your relationship means to both you and your wife. Explain that you were saddened by what happened and that his whispering to his wife at the dinner table was also upsetting to you. If he does not offer an explanation or admit that he behaved poorly, you may have to explain that such confrontations are unnecessarily upsetting. I would acknowledge that you have different political views, but that you are family, and you want to avoid this hostility in the future. I would avoid taking an aggressive stance in this conversation and focus on the importance of improving tolerance of each other’s viewpoints.
If he replies that he understands what you are saying, you may not need to repeat this conversation. If he continues to show his disdain for your beliefs, you may need to ask him to refrain from discussing political issues when you are together. You and your wife have every right to be respected for your beliefs and political views, as does he.
This can be an opportunity to deepen your relationship with your brother. In addition, he, like everyone else, can benefit from having more respectful interchanges when opinions differ.
—   Alice