Ask Alice — Advice for All

Still Angry After a Divorce

Dear Alice,
During my ten-year marriage, my husband traveled much of the time and was unavailable as a husband and father. While he was away on a trip I discovered some credit card bills and realized he had a lover. I was furious and spent months raging at him. Our daughter, now 8, was certainly affected by all of this.

We are now divorced, and I find that I am still angry at my ex-husband’s betrayal of us. Recently, he has tried to be more of a father to our daughter, taking her to special places and attentive to her interests. Nevertheless, I can’t forgive him and find myself being hostile to him, making sarcastic remarks about my ex and arguing with him in front of our daughter about financial issues.

I want to move on, but I find it difficult to do. Do you have any suggestions to help me let go of my anger?
— Stuck

Dear Stuck,
I am pleased that you recognize that your anger is a problem for all of you. Certainly your initial reaction to your husband’s betrayal is understandable, but remember that your daughter does not have the same understanding of the world that you have. She only has glimpses of the way things work through her experiences in her small world of family, friends, and school. You are the most important figure for her in the creation of stability in her life.

I strongly recommend that you get therapeutic help with your continuing anger, so that you are able to be a stable support for her. Her father’s interest in her is very important for her development as a young woman, and you want to encourage that.

Children are torn emotionally in a difficult divorce. Thus, their parents have a major responsibility to exhibit clarity and strength after their divorce. You will need to find a way to become partners in supporting her emotionally throughout her life.

She learns how to deal with difficult situations from both of you, and if hostility is the norm in your relationship with your ex, it is likely to be the template for her future relationships.

E. Mavis Hetherington and John Kelly in their book “For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered,” wrote that “conflictual co-parenting distresses children and undermines their well-being, and it makes parents unhappy too. They feel guilty about fighting in front of the children, but their preoccupation with their anger and lingering resentment makes it difficult for them to begin focusing on a new, more fulfilling life and the pain they are causing their children.”

Your daughter’s self-esteem, as well as your own, will likely benefit once you recognize your ex-husband’s worth as a father and a human being. I wish you well with this.

— Alice