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Ask Alice  Advice for All

Dear Alice,

I am a 48-year-old married man. My wife of 20 years has gained over 50 pounds since our marriage. Although I love her, I find that I no longer am physically attracted to her. We have not been intimate in several years. She is highly intelligent and well-educated, yet she seems to have lost interest in everything that used to appeal to her. She watches television all day, orders excessively from shopping networks, and has withdrawn from me, friends and family. Our children are busy and have minimal interaction with her.

I am worried about my wife and where our relationship is headed. Although I am committed to our marriage and I don't really want to have an affair, I find that I am interested in other women more than ever. Can you help me with this dilemma?

— Lonely

Dear Lonely,

From your description, your wife sounds like she is depressed. Her withdrawal and uncharacteristic television watching is indicative of a change in her mood. When a couple has limited or no intimacy, thoughts of an affair are not unusual. I am pleased that you wrote to me before you put these thoughts into action. An affair is likely to have long-term negative consequences to your marriage and family.

I strongly recommend that you share your concerns with your wife about her well-being. Explain that she seems depressed and that you want to find a way to help her. You might say that you miss the closeness you once had.  I would not discuss her weight gain at this time, since it is likely to make her defensive, prompting further withdrawal.

Although people often believe there is a stigma attached to depression, it is a medical illness that, when treated properly, is likely to improve. Her weight gain may be a symptom of her depression, along with the “drugging” of excessive television viewing and shopping. She appears to be crying out for help.

You are in a unique position to support and guide her. I believe that your clear commitment to her and interest in her well-being will facilitate her recovery. I suggest that you meet with your family doctor who is often the best initial consultation regarding such a problem. This will help rule out any medical issues, such as thyroid disease, that could be contributing to her symptoms. If she is in agreement, you are on your way to a resolution.

My hope is that a psychiatrist will then be recommended to further evaluate her symptoms and assess her mood. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy, along with exercise and possibly psychotropic medication, may be suggested. She may lose weight with exercise and medical management. If your relationship does not seem to reignite after these interventions, you might meet with a couple therapist to help you address the difficulties that you both have experienced.

I am hopeful that you are the kind of person who will be supportive of your wife through this ordeal. When one person is depressed in a family, everyone is affected by it. Your children, too, must have deep concerns about their mother that may need to be addressed as well. Ironically, your thoughts of an affair may be the signal to take a positive action for your marriage and family instead of a negative one that could lead to more sadness and pain.

As a result of your exploration and resolution of this problem, you and your wife may share a deeper relationship than before. Your children, too, will learn that people can get help and relationships can heal. I wish you well.

— Alice

Dear Alice,

I am a 70-year-old married grandmother with three children and eight grandchildren. Throughout my life, I have been called overly-sensitive by so many people that I wonder if I am different from others. I react emotionally to things much more intensely than other people do, and I also feel more physical pain than others I know. I get overwhelmed by too much activity surrounding me. When we are with our grandchildren, I find their energy level and noise causes me to feel exhausted. Generally, I am a happy person, enjoying people very much. I don't understand what my problem is. I feel overwhelmed at times. What do you recommend?

— Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

You may be among the 20% of the population, who, according to psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron, are highly sensitive. In her book, “The Highly Sensitive Person; How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You,” Aron validates the experiences of this significant percentage of the population, believing that there are genetic and biological bases for this level of sensitivity. She points out that people with your characteristics are more reactive to their internal and external experiences. This can include a lower pain threshold, as well as a higher sensitivity to noise and light. The most positive aspect of being a highly sensitive person (HSP) is that HSPs are often intuitive, creative people with wisdom beyond their years.

HSPs often have difficulty getting validation for their differences and may think of themselves as impaired. Learning to accept these differences as a kind of gift, which needs to be carefully protected, is a wonderful way to “reframe” this state and even honor it. But along with this point of view is the importance of protecting oneself. Thus, getting more sleep, creating a restful, pleasant space for yourself, and knowing when you are on overload and, therefore, leaving or avoiding overly stimulating situations may be of help.

I recommend you tell people you are close to that you believe you are an HSP (the initials have a nice ring to them) and are learning to embrace how you experience the world. Let them know that you will explain when you are having difficulty, which will give them the opportunity to be supportive and loving. Thus, your response to certain stressful situations won't feel as lonely or peculiar for you.

By acknowledging your uniqueness, you may begin to feel even closer to many people in your life. By being open about your differences, you will be a role model for your family. Your openness may teach your children and grandchildren tolerance, respect, and acceptance of what they don't personally experience. As a result, when your loved ones encounter a personal problem, they may judge themselves less harshly and be better able to deal with it.

Being an HSP has clear benefits, especially when you focus on the positive aspects and minimize the discomforts it causes you.