Ask Alice – Advice for All

A Delicate and Dangerous Situation

Dear Alice,
My son, an only child, has three children ages 5, 3, and 6 months. My wife and I were visiting he and his family recently. We were with the baby and our 5-year-old grandson in the other room when I heard splashing. I went into the bathroom and found our 3-year-old granddaughter playing in the bathtub. I was horrified and went looking for the nanny who was nearby in the kitchen. I mentioned to her that I was concerned about our grandchild being in the bathtub unattended, and she responded that I shouldn’t worry since she checks on her often.
My wife and I know we have to say something to our son and his wife about what we saw and how dangerous it is to leave a young child alone in a bathtub. We don’t want to offend them or interfere with their parenting, but we can’t sit by silently.
— Frightened

Dear Frightened,
You have reason for concern, and I strongly support your awareness that a 3-year-old child should never be playing in water by herself. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children must be watched by an adult at all times when in or around water since they can drown in as little as an inch or two. It is important to continually reemphasize this fact since many people still do not recognize this as a potential danger.
The way you handle this is important. You need to speak to your son about this issue, not your daughter-in-law. A useful rule of thumb is that when dealing with touchy family matters, remember “blood to blood;” parents need to speak to their own child when the issue is complicated. I recommend that you state your concerns to your son. Preface your remarks by telling him what wonderful parents he and your daughter-in-law are. Then, inform him of  the known dangers of leaving a young child alone in or near water.
Keep the discussion simple and factual and end it with another compliment about their their parenting. To avoid shaming him, don’t ask your son about his own practices regarding his children and water safety. I suspect that the nanny was only following what she observed your son and daughter-in-law doing, and may even have been told by them that it was OK. 
If you continue to see this behavior in the future, you may need to direct your son to the American Academy of Pediatrics website. Being a grandparent, much like being a parent, brings with it many challenges and responsibilities. While your children may not raise their children in the same fashion that you and your wife did, many of the differences that you observe are not worth mentioning. You need to be very selective. However, when it comes to the safety of your grandchildren, you have the responsibility to speak up.
— Alice

When a Friend is Ill

Dear Alice,
I am a 50-year-old married woman. My closest friend, whom I’ve known since college, has been diagnosed with a very serious illness. We normally talk weekly and see each other whenever we can since she lives in another city. Since her diagnosis, she has not returned my calls. This has never happened in our relationship before. I am thinking of visiting her to find out why she doesn’t respond. She has very few close friends. She is very sensitive and readily finds fault with people and has eliminated many friends from her life.
I want to be there for her, and I hope that she will let me. I am concerned that her pulling away means that she is ending our friendship.
—Worried

Dear Worried,
Your concerns may be well founded since your friend does have a history of high sensitivity and few relationships as a result. But the circumstances of her withdrawal from you now are quite different. I wonder if she has not pulled away from everyone as a result of her dealing with her serious illness. Learning of a possibly life-threatening illness is a shock for most people, and a grieving process is likely to occur as a result. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist, was the first to describe the various stages that people go through in coming to terms with serious illness and possible death. These stages include anger and depression, which may explain why she has been so emotionally distant from you at this time.
I suggest that you write to her initially, but do not go to her home since she is likely to feel more vulnerable if you approach her so directly. If you can focus on your empathy and love for her, it will be easier to keep your contact going.  Let her know what she means to you when you write her. Stay positive, but also let her know that you understand that this is a difficult time for her and that she may not be ready to speak to you or even respond to your notes at this time.
 If she does not respond, contact her husband or a close relative and ask if there is anything that you could do that would be of help to her, such as sending her meals, magazines, or books. She may feel isolated and lonely at this time, and knowing that you are thinking of her is likely to help. She may not be able to let you know how important your cards are to her since she may not have the physical or emotional energy to respond. In addition, hearing your voice could upset her because she may fear that her crying may cause her to lose control. As a result, speaking with you may make her too sad or even frightened right now. Additionally, she might prefer to remember your friendship when she was healthy.
If she does not respond to you, be reassured that she knows that you have not abandoned her. She is likely to receive great comfort in knowing how much you care. Your gift to her is to continue to stay present in spite of no response, and your generosity of spirit and love for her is likely to have the effect you want, to show her how dear she has been to you, and how much you value your friendship.
– Alice