Ask Alice 
Advice for All

Dear Alice,

I am a 45-year-old married mother of two. My husband and I have a business that we run from our home. We have allocated one room in our house as the office. While the business is successful, and my husband and I work well together in this, as well as most other aspects of our lives, there is one area that is a continuing problem for me. He is a slob.

I know that I am not exaggerating this problem since our children are as frustrated with him as I am. They hesitate to invite friends over due to the mess. While this is not a new problem, it has gotten more irritating recently in that he has expanded his clutter to the living and dining room. He saves everything, stating that he might need the item in the future. Also, he doesn’t clean up after he has eaten, showered, or dressed. I never get a break since he is home all day. I love him, but I am at my wit’s end about this. Do you know how can I help him clean up his act and cut down on the clutter?

— Wit’s End

Dear Wit’s End,

Clearly, working together in your home creates a real problem for you in that you don’t get a break from his slovenly behavior. Fortunately, you are generally pleased with your marriage. Otherwise you might find him impossible to live with. Try to think of this situation as more of a challenge than a threat. According to psychiatrist Dr. Richard Friedman, the tendency for messiness begins early in life and often continues throughout adulthood. In addition, many untidy people do not experience their environment as disordered. You and your children, in contrast to your husband, may have a very different comfort-level.

Initially, I recommend that you speak with him about the difficulties that you and your family are having with his sense of order. Try to be non-blaming. If he is open to such a discussion, your children also might let him know how they feel. He may be able to talk about his inability to throw things away.  Perhaps you’ve all walked on egg shells to avoid hurting his feelings, yet you have suppressed your own feelings by avoiding the impact his behavior has had on all of you.

In loving relationships, addressing such issues creates an opportunity for more growth. Your husband may be willing to confine his hoarding to a non-public area of your home. He may come to respect the fact that you all are bothered by his messiness and adjust his sensibilities by cleaning up after himself. If he continues to have difficulties, he could have obsessive-compulsive disorder that can be effectively treated with therapy and medication. At that point, you could discuss his seeking professional help. 

From what you have written, your marriage sounds strong enough to handle this problem. By addressing this issue lovingly and directly, you may find your that your home environment becomes more pleasant and your family and marriage more rewarding.

— Alice

Dear Alice,

I am a 35-year-old married man. My wife and I recently spent an evening with some of my close high school friends. We began talking about religion, and I immediately became concerned because my wife has very strong opinions about the dangers of religious zeal. I tried to move the conversation away from this topic, but she continued. One friend has become more religious over the years, finding great solace in attending church after the sudden loss of her sister.  I recognized that we entered dangerous territory but felt helpless to do anything. At the end of the heated discussion, we said goodbye quickly, ending the evening rather abruptly.

I feared that damage was done to my friendship and I later learned from someone else in the group that my suspicions were correct. Sadly, my religious friend doesn’t want our company in the future. I am very upset by this and I don’t know how to proceed to heal this wound. Any thoughts?

— Sad

Dear Sad,

Discussing sensitive issues can cause upset even among the closest of friends. Religion, politics, and money are some of the topics that many people avoid in casual conversation. There are two issues that need to be addressed. First, I recommend that you talk with your wife about her voicing her opinions on issues which some people may be super sensitive to. She may become defensive about this. You will need to handle this in a gentle and non-threatening way, assuring her of your love and support.

Perhaps she will recognize the impact of addressing such delicate issues in the future, and you can talk further about the areas that some friends might be reactive to, preventing other uncomfortable outcomes. Such a deep level of conversation can help both of you to handle future difficulties that come up in other areas of your life and serve to create more intimacy as well.

Second, you want to reach out to your friends in order to heal the damage to your relationship. I would invite them to dinner, just the four of you, and let them get comfortable with your wife in a simpler setting. If they refuse, call or write them and ask to talk with them about resolving this problem, stating how much your friendship has meant to you over the years and how you want to find a way to repair the rift. Perhaps your wife could also write a note in order for them to see that she, too, is interested in restoring your friendship. Even after your best efforts, some friendships may not survive.

Throughout your married life there will be situations that will reveal differences between you and your spouse. Knowing that you are a team in dealing with these issues will strengthen your marriage and teach you effective problem-solving as a couple, thus enabling you to handle whatever comes your way.

– Alice