Saying Yes to No

We’ve all been there – the toddler screaming for candy at the grocery store checkout — but rather than face a bigger battle, the parent puts the treat in the bag. It may seem like a small matter, but the parent is really teaching the child to get what he wants and not helping instill self discipline, explained David Walsh, Ph.D., who spoke at Rye Middle School, April 1, as part of a “Heard in Rye” program, “Discipline Deficit Disorder: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear ‘No’ and Ways Parents Can Say It.”

Dr. Walsh, founder and president of the National Institute on Media and Family, has emerged as one of the world’s leading authorities on parenting and the impact of media on children’s health and development. He is the author of nine books, including the national bestseller “Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen”.

The same issue that Walsh described with the candy is magnified with teenagers, “terrible twos on steroids,” when it comes to parents giving in to a later curfew or a spring break trip because “everyone is doing it”. It’s hard to say no, regardless of the child’s age. “The goal is to teach kids how to say no for themselves,” said Walsh. Studies have proven that self-discipline is twice as strong a predictor of academic success as intelligence.

Today’s world, “a yes culture,” presents many obstacles to saying no, according to Dr. Walsh, particularly with the power of the media and the impact of technology. From Baby Einstein tapes to sophisticated cell phones, video games and the Internet, everything is fast, fun and easy. On average, kids today spend 44.5 hours a week in front of electronic screens. Although technology has tremendous benefits, it can also be harmful as evidenced by cyber bullying and sexting, which one out of three teens is doing. And because of the non-stop entertainment at young ages, children can be bored even in kindergarten.

Walsh sees an epidemic of discipline deficit disorder that is causing this generation to need instant gratification and have unrealistic expectations, a sense of entitlement and self-centeredness. This has manifested itself in schools, as teachers have been struggling harder over the past 10 years to get kids’ attention. One out of two teachers leave after five years because of kids’ behavior. In some cases, Walsh sees teachers unwilling to give lower grades for fear of parental confrontations. Kids who do behave well are rewarded with high grades just for behaving and colleges are finding students unprepared for advanced course work. Among business leaders, the number one concern is no longer skills but work ethic.

At the same time, Walsh has seen a change in the definition of self-esteem. “It’s not about feeling good,” said Walsh, who sees parents smoothing the road if something goes wrong. “That’s not our job. Our job is to set up the shock absorbers so kids can be ready for bumps. The real self-esteem is built through competence and achievement.”

How do we turn the tides? Walsh says we must find balance and discover how to say no by setting limits and consequences. He recommends parents support, not rescue, encourage, not coddle, and get kids what they need, but not everything they want. He advises parents to be savvy on the latest technology, back up teachers and schools and expect their kids to do chores and volunteer to help others. For parents, there’s no instant gratification. “The real reward comes when our kids become the adults that we want them to be.”

The program will be shown on Rye TV. Check their schedule.

– Georgetta L. Morque