Ask Alice — Advice for All

Marital Help Needed

Dear Alice,
I have been married for ten years. My husband had been married previously. Although we have never talked much about his earlier marriage, I believe that he left his wife because she was independent and wanted more equality in their relationship. As a result, I am aware that our disagreements are more upsetting to me than they otherwise might be. My husband walks away from an argument and avoids me for hours when I complain about something that he has done.

I love him and want our relationship to work, but I don’t know how to get us on a better track. Another important point is that my father left my mother when I was 6. My father was never available for us, and my mother became an embittered woman. I don’t want that to happen to me. Do you have any suggestions?
— Worried

Dear Worried,
Living in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing in any relationship creates tension and stress. This situation causes you to avoid discussion and conflict altogether and limits your opportunity to have a healthy relationship. We all have a concept of what marriage is like from our own families. Your mother’s bad marital experience and your father’s lack of involvement undoubtedly affected you.

You and your husband deserve a better marriage than the one that you currently have. I would talk with your husband about your concerns. Starting such a conversation is the beginning of intimacy. Tell him that you love him and want to explore ways to be more open with one another. He may have no previous experience with such direct communication.

Ultimately, talking about your childhood experiences in your families will give each of you insight into what you came to expect from a marriage. Let him know as well that you want to understand why his earlier marriage failed in order to avoid some of those problems in your relationship. At first he may be uncomfortable with this level of openness and honesty, but it may begin to change the direction of your marriage.

You may require some help with this approach since you are exploring new territory. Talking with a couples therapist would be a positive step in unearthing the impact of your families’ histories, his earlier marriage, and its reasons for failure. Most important, such a discussion could provide a guide to more productive ways of dealing with each other. Terence Real, a family therapist, in his book “The New Rules of Marriage” explains how the 21st century has ushered in a number of changes in marriage, with men and women wanting more from one another than ever before.

People are not settling for average any longer, as many of our parents did. Terence Real gives some marvelous ideas for better communicating in order to reach a higher level of intimacy. The one suggestion he makes that is relevant to your problem is to make a request for something, instead of a complaint or a criticism.

This will enable your husband to hear your concern without his becoming defensive, and you will have a better opportunity to create a more loving environment.

If you are afraid to start this process, seek the advice of a trusted friend or your own therapist in order to feel strong and empowered. You then will be able to proceed with your marriage on an equal footing. You and your husband may both be pleasantly surprised at the high level your relationship can reach. Your letter certainly indicates that you want change. It is available if you seek it.
– Alice